4 years

Its been 4 year since I started writing and within the last two months I have done more to help myself process than in the previous 27 years. I started out writing, reading and trying to expose myself to others’ stories. When I began I just needed to know I wasn’t along asn an adoptee. As I explored the world of adoptee stories I found myself more called to transracial adoptees, particularly Indians, to no surprise. Since May I have been seeing a therapist who has been immensely helpful in getting me to move towards action.

Four years ago I had looked through my file for the first time sitting on the dusty floor of the house I grew up in. Four days ago, on a Friday evening I laid out that file once more and broke it down into different categories that each contain clues to my past. I isolated the information generated by SOC SEAD, the orphanage, by the Indian courts, by Lutheran Family Services, the INS, progress reports generated by my parents, their adoption application files and correspondence with Illien Adoptions International, inc.

My next step is to sift through with a bit more focus on the information provided within each document and begin to create a few narratives that I can begin to explore. I have already found pieces of information just by sorting them out that has given me more direction in where to start. The conversations with Dr. F. have also lead me to the realization that I need to return, whether I am searching or not, to India. My plan/goal is to return between January-March of 2017. I should have enough saved up to be able to go for 2-3 weeks. It will also give me time to try to get a better hold on what I know, apply for an OCI and see if I can learn any amount of Hindi or Tamil.

Four years ago I hoped I would be living in India right now with some semblance of reunion with my birth culture or birth family. Now I hope to at least return to India before my 28th birthday to get a better hold of what I  really am up against. Thank you to the other Indians who have written, filmed and recorded their experiences that I have been able to find. Each story has been filled with warnings, fear, pain, disappointment, hope, rejection, struggle and a sense of importance in acting.

I hope the small things will continue to build, pushing me forward.