The Night Before Leaving

There is only one video I am aware of, of my father. I am sure there are others, but only one I've seen since he died over 14 years ago. The video is of my sister, when she is in middle school or early high school, interviewing my father about adopting me. The night before … Continue reading The Night Before Leaving

Internalizations Gone Wild

I grew up assuming that I was adopted because my biological relatives could not take care of me. Implicit within that assumption was that they did not want to take care of me. I never found it to be very harsh. I just assumed that they were unable to care for me and so they … Continue reading Internalizations Gone Wild


I don't like it when they call cremated ashes remains. It has so many weird and negative connotations in my mind. It makes me think that somebody took something from him and then gave us what was left over, his remains. Which I guess since he did donate his body to science is literally what … Continue reading Remains

Frustrated, Why Can’t I Answer Your Questions?

It's a cool fall evening and I just got off the phone with Sean, a good friend of mine. He just finished dinner with his family and invited me over. His family lives in town. We live outside of town down a half-mile gravel lane, we affectionately call The Vale Lane. The Vale is the … Continue reading Frustrated, Why Can’t I Answer Your Questions?

Processing Emotions

Today parts of my family gathered for about 45 minutes to remember my father since Friday marked the passing of the 7th year since he died. A few people recited poems and we shared some pictures. I told a story or two, but other than that things went as normal. As with when he died … Continue reading Processing Emotions


The number 7 represents a lot of things. As with most numbers they carry little individual significance on their own. Significance is gained by association. The number 7 has gained many associations over time. There are 7 days in a week. There are 7 swans a swimming. There are 7 players on an ultimate frisbee … Continue reading 7

Letter To My Father

I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I feel it is so unfair to have lost my father. If he were still around He would, very predictably, tell me that life isn't fair. I know he is right, but I still feel that way. This is my first attempt at a letter to my … Continue reading Letter To My Father

Certainty In Death, No Certainty In Why

When someone dies there are a lot of things to wonder about. Where did they go? Were they happy when they died? Did I adequately show them how much I loved them? Will we ever meet again?...etc....etc. But the most nagging of those wonders is the wonderful Why? It's probably true that there aren't answers … Continue reading Certainty In Death, No Certainty In Why

How To Adequately Remember?

I enjoy writing letters. I try to write them to friends when they are abroad or if we don't have the type of relationship where we are going to talk on the phone much. Still it's always hard to know where to start, especially if its been a while since I've communicated with someone. Writing … Continue reading How To Adequately Remember?

I’d Like To Meet My Father

Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to still have my dad around. I wonder how different life would be if he were around. As may already be obvious I love to fantasize. At the time he died I was transitioning into young adulthood as a 16-year-old. I witnessed other friends' relationships with their parents … Continue reading I’d Like To Meet My Father