Preparing for reunion. Maybe. Maybe reunion, definitely preparing. Preparing for the vast uncertainty ahead. Practically speaking there are decisions to be made, tasks to be completed, lists to be made, notes to be taken, etc. The number of possible outcomes feels impossibly large. The number of likely outcomes feels disappointingly predetermined. I feel so uncertain … Continue reading Is Reunion Healing? If so, for Who?
There is only one video I am aware of, of my father. I am sure there are others, but only one I've seen since he died over 14 years ago. The video is of my sister, when she is in middle school or early high school, interviewing my father about adopting me. The night before … Continue reading The Night Before Leaving
It has been an intense two weeks and I feel pretty shitty right now. I left for India on March 5th and made it to Chennai and then Trichy on March 7th. We stayed in Trichy for most of our time in India but spent one night in Puducherry and one night in Chennai on … Continue reading Stream of Exhaustion
Being on a 15 hour flight is a little like hell. It is hard to believe it will end. Time ceases to cycle in the familiar ways. The sun still rises but it means less. Meals are brought out in what feels like arbitrary intervals and arbitrary purposes since I haven’t done anything to work … Continue reading We Have Arrived
There Sits a House, illuminated by a flash. Bathed in artificial light. The roof is metal, worn, in visible disrepair. This house sits on an uneven dirt road. Flowering shrubs sprawl across the front creating a beautiful barrier, separate from passers by but not private, just distant. A few exhausted lines run from the rafters … Continue reading There Sits a House
Sometimes a gesture, no matter the magnitude, can make all the difference. Two weeks ago my mother and I exchanged two emails. My response to her email was the first time I felt able to articulate, unapologetically, the complexity of my emotions around searching and how to engage my mother in that process. It is … Continue reading “I Support Your Decision To Go”
Friend speaks my mind.
Some of you have probably seen this optional Facebook profile picture template used by people in your personal networks to promote November as National Adoption Month and National Adoption Awareness Month (NAAM). I have seen adoptees and adoptive parents alike with this border, but I will not put this overlay on my profile picture. I have been undoubtedly affected by adoption, but I would never say that “I am touched by adoption.” Adoption pulled, tugged, and dragged me across the world without asking me. Adoption demanded that my core identity, family, and nationality change. Adoption forces me to live a life in question of basic information like my birthdate, place, name, and medical history. People would not say that individuals have been “touched” by home foreclosure, refugee status, or other forms of displacement, and it doesn’t make sense in the context of adoption, either. Using positive rhetoric, like “I am touched…
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I've decided to return to India, to follow Arun and Anjali's advice to attempt to confront the woman they found, who denies, as is her prerogative, any relation to me. I cannot control the outcome of a potential meeting. I cannot control whether or not this woman is related to me. I cannot control if … Continue reading I Cannot/I Can
Thanks TAO. Reminders of the persistence of harmful ways to frame adoption, particularly to those who have been adopted.