The Night Before Leaving

There is only one video I am aware of, of my father. I am sure there are others, but only one I've seen since he died over 14 years ago. The video is of my sister, when she is in middle school or early high school, interviewing my father about adopting me. The night before … Continue reading The Night Before Leaving

Stream of Exhaustion

It has been an intense two weeks and I feel pretty shitty right now. I left for India on March 5th and made it to Chennai and then Trichy on March 7th. We stayed in Trichy for most of our time in India but spent one night in Puducherry and one night in Chennai on … Continue reading Stream of Exhaustion

There Sits a House

There Sits a House, illuminated by a flash. Bathed in artificial light. The roof is metal, worn, in visible disrepair. This house sits on an uneven dirt road. Flowering shrubs sprawl across the front creating a beautiful barrier, separate from passers by but not private, just distant. A few exhausted lines run from the rafters … Continue reading There Sits a House

“I Support Your Decision To Go”

Sometimes a gesture, no matter the magnitude, can make all the difference. Two weeks ago my mother and I exchanged two emails. My response to her email was the first time I felt able to articulate, unapologetically, the complexity of my emotions around searching and how to engage my mother in that process. It is … Continue reading “I Support Your Decision To Go”

I wonder…

I wonder if my parents ever think of me. I wonder if they love each other. I wonder if they ever loved each other. I wonder if my dad has patchy facial hair. I wonder if my mom's eyelashes are dark and beautiful. I wonder if they are my parents. I wonder if they walk … Continue reading I wonder…

Dear Anna Belle Illien

This is a letter to Anna Belle Illien who was one of the people, or at least her agency, Illien Adoption International Inc., responsible for my adoption about a quarter of a century ago. I have never reached out to Illien the person or the agency but it is one of the connections that I … Continue reading Dear Anna Belle Illien

“What White Parents Should Know About Adopting Black Children”

"There's no manual for raising children. Black children are no different, but black parents raising black children have been black children. White parents of black children have been white children. The disadvantage is nearly insurmountable. The victory is never flawless. And the preparation is never enough." - La Sha What White Parents Should Know About … Continue reading “What White Parents Should Know About Adopting Black Children”

What I Know or The “Facts”

It turns out I have kind of a lot of information about the process surrounding my adoption. There are lots of pieces of papers, many from the Indian Government or court system and many from the two adoption agencies that my parents utilized in their quest to find the perfect child, me! They utilized Illien Adoption … Continue reading What I Know or The “Facts”

Birthdays Are Complex Monsters

For many, birthdays are a time to rejoice, celebrate and of course tell birth stories! For me birthdays are not imbued with the same sense of gleeful nostalgia. They are subtle reminders of an uncertain past and an unknown beginning. The first birthday is not simply a date. It is an experience that, although no … Continue reading Birthdays Are Complex Monsters