I reject my birthday as a day of celebration. It has always been a confusing day for me. Even as a child my birthday has always felt performative; I participated entirely out of obligation and social conformity. I feel detached from the date because it feels arbitrary and meaningless, not like “my special day.” It […]Read More Celebration of Loss
I’ve had an incredibly busy week, numerous evening meetings, two new staff have started and they require a lot of my attention and I have a new boss. I’m preparing for a trip to Detroit to connect with a childhood friend and then an intense half week of work there. I’m tired, haven’t had enough […]Read More Everything is Real
I’ve never been good at napping. On the rare occasion I am able to doze off in the middle of the day I normally awake irritated, disoriented and decidedly unrested. This trip proved to be no exception. After visiting Sarkapalyam in the morning, we returned to the hotel to escape the mid-afternoon sun. I lay […]Read More The Police
The drive to her neighborhood is quick. It feels too quick; I’m unprepared. I thought I might have time, 15 minutes at least, to gather my thoughts. I realize, during our 3 minute ride, that I really haven’t thought much about what I would say if we do find this woman, and if she acknowledges […]Read More There Sits a House Part 2
This trip was mired in uncertainty, defined by it perhaps. Nonetheless, Max and I developed somewhat of a morning routine which I came to appreciate. I miss it now that I am back in Chicago. The first night in SRM Hotel, our fancy hotel in Trichy, I crashed hard after dinner, my body beginning to […]Read More Never Given the Chance to Bloom
Preparing for reunion. Maybe. Maybe reunion, definitely preparing. Preparing for the vast uncertainty ahead. Practically speaking there are decisions to be made, tasks to be completed, lists to be made, notes to be taken, etc. The number of possible outcomes feels impossibly large. The number of likely outcomes feels disappointingly predetermined. I feel so uncertain […]Read More Is Reunion Healing? If so, for Who?
There is only one video I am aware of, of my father. I am sure there are others, but only one I’ve seen since he died over 14 years ago. The video is of my sister, when she is in middle school or early high school, interviewing my father about adopting me. The night before […]Read More The Night Before Leaving
Search. Searching. What a strange looking word. What a strange process. What is the purpose? Why does it matter? What am I searching for? Is it a person? Is it a feeling? Is it certainty? Do I even want to find people? What would it be like to find someone? What if I don’t find […]Read More Shit.
I’ve been planing on going to India this winter for at least a few months now. It has been a stressful process and I’ve done a pretty good job of procrastinating about the important things like determining what I’m going to be doing while there. The idea really solidified itself after a few weeks of […]Read More Driven by Guilt
I have decided that in my searching process I would like to have some support as I move along, thus I have begun looking for a suitable therapist/social worker/mental health professional to help me along the way. I had at one point wanted to wait until I had a significant other who I felt would […]Read More Adoption Therapy: Here I Come!