Never Given the Chance to Bloom

This trip was mired in uncertainty, defined by it perhaps. Nonetheless, Max and I developed somewhat of a morning routine which I came to appreciate. I miss it now that I am back in Chicago. The first night in SRM Hotel, our fancy hotel in Trichy, I crashed hard after dinner, my body beginning to […]

Is Reunion Healing? If so, for Who?

Preparing for reunion. Maybe. Maybe reunion, definitely preparing. Preparing for the vast uncertainty ahead. Practically speaking there are decisions to be made, tasks to be completed, lists to be made, notes to be taken, etc. The number of possible outcomes feels impossibly large. The number of likely outcomes feels disappointingly predetermined. I feel so uncertain […]

The Night Before Leaving

There is only one video I am aware of, of my father. I am sure there are others, but only one I’ve seen since he died over 14 years ago. The video is of my sister, when she is in middle school or early high school, interviewing my father about adopting me. The night before […]

Stream of Exhaustion

It has been an intense two weeks and I feel pretty shitty right now. I left for India on March 5th and made it to Chennai and then Trichy on March 7th. We stayed in Trichy for most of our time in India but spent one night in Puducherry and one night in Chennai on […]

We Have Arrived

Being on a 15 hour flight is a little like hell. It is hard to believe it will end. Time ceases to cycle in the familiar ways. The sun still rises but it means less. Meals are brought out in what feels like arbitrary intervals and arbitrary purposes since I haven’t done anything to work […]

Air India Flight 126

There Sits a House

There Sits a House, illuminated by a flash. Bathed in artificial light. The roof is metal, worn, in visible disrepair. This house sits on an uneven dirt road. Flowering shrubs sprawl across the front creating a beautiful barrier, separate from passers by but not private, just distant. A few exhausted lines run from the rafters […]

“I Support Your Decision To Go”

Sometimes a gesture, no matter the magnitude, can make all the difference. Two weeks ago my mother and I exchanged two emails. My response to her email was the first time I felt able to articulate, unapologetically, the complexity of my emotions around searching and how to engage my mother in that process. It is […]

I Cannot/I Can

I’ve decided to return to India, to follow Arun and Anjali’s advice to attempt to confront the woman they found, who denies, as is her prerogative, any relation to me. I cannot control the outcome of a potential meeting. I cannot control whether or not this woman is related to me. I cannot control if […]

They Say I Look Like Her

Resemblance is a strange concept. It overflows with subjectivity, devoid of neutrality or impartiality. Colored and formed in the image of past experiences. Reliant upon availability heuristics. They say I look like her. I don’t know how to understand that phrase. What does it mean to see yourself in others or them in yourself if […]